Went DRINKIN' and caught a fish.
How to get banned from the pub...
The year is 2006, and 8 crazy mates meet up for a 1 week fishing trip for the local salmon competitions, we literally booked out a row of cabins and came with over $5000 worth of booze, There is no way I could remember it all, cartons upon cartons, boxes of port, bottles of vodka, whisky, rum etc.
For legal reasons we had decided on the over 1800km drive to use only nicknames to protect the guilty.
We checked in and settled first night, some scouting and a plan, up all night catching up we haven't seen each other in almost a year.
Ok so we are at Locks Well 1st day doing some surf fishing, -Token/Bummer, -Butcher/2 fitty, -Bigfish, -Fiddler/Wobblygong, -Dropkick/Rex hunt, -lube /Creamy, -Doozy/Weedy and me Stonefish aka The Stingray.
The place is getting crowded and we are not having much luck compared to others who have devised a system where they have a mate at the top of the cliffs who can see the schooling salmon in the clear water below and using walkie talkies to direct their mates to the fish.
About 1600ish Bigfish says -lets go to town see if we can get some walkie talkies and have a few more drinks before tea time.
No luck with only a small IGA in town we did get some kids walkies but they are no where near powerful enough to work the distance required..Bugger it back to cabin deck drink on and poor Bummer is crook as so we decide to give him night off I cook early tea and by 1800 we decide bugger it kill a few hours and brain cells at the pub we can drop our night lines later, none of us were in the mood to adhere to a schedule so off we go half loaded for some $2 Fitty schooners of port. Guess who discovered that earlier.
I stuck to beer and it was clear we were in the mood for raising hell from the moment we arrived, We had the plan not to use real names so the locals and other respectable tourists were all eyes on us from the get go.
Referring to each other as Bummer or Wobblygong and watching your mate straddle Tokens pool cue in outdoor sort of area while people are eating, and then he rubs himself suggestively against his back as he backs up going "Oooo thats nice" while 2 Fitty shouts "Fiddler get off Bummers arse you bloody Wobblygong"!
Did I mention Token / Bummer was called so because he was Gay, Yes Bummer was the 'Token' Gay guy of our motley crew.
It was pretty obvious some patrons were getting upset with our shenanigans,Big fish wandered into the dinning room picked up plate and began helping himself to what he loudly announced was free salad, he helped himself to a plate and sat in a corner while me 2 Fitty ,Fiddler and Token played an 8 ball doubles match, and lube was announced by weedy as greasing up the pokies while he toked away on his pipe at the front bar.
Dropkick won $300 or so and announced that we would wax the lot so shots began and some of the regs in the front bar were pretty cool with our joking about but seemed frustrated they couldn't get a real name out of us as 2 Fitty would explain, he is Stonefish (because he looks like toady from neighbours), next to him is Wobblygong and Token ect only to call out Fiddler and have Wobblygong reply 'what?'.
Confused they would ask I thought he was Wobblygong and 2 Fitty would bluntly reply he is, Mostly harmless enough until the owner/manager was called by staff who had complaints from others about our obnoxious behavior in particular Bigfish was singled out and ordered to pay for his 'free salad' or leave. Doozy had overheard the mob of 12 dining in out door area make complaint and told Bigfish whilst the manager also noticed as 2 Fitty said loudly "Another drink bar wench, 2 Fitty 2 Fitty 8 more schooners"!
He put down his schooner on the bar,The manager then steped in and told the barkeep what are you doing the advertised $2.50 house port was supposed to be for a butcher not a schooner and showed her different glasses while 2 Fitty insisted "I am a butcher".
Then he went on to complain about the rate of inflation at this bloody pub.
Patch, My dog and our official mascot.
Trouble began to brew as Bigfish walked over to the table of people who had reported his free salad scam and just took a chip right off some blokes plate stating they were a mob of, Dibber dobbers.
He then went to take something off of another blokes plate and they guy stabbed him lightly in the hand with fork, so he just leaned over stared at the guy and took his piece of fish.and began walking around claiming victim, "I was stabbed, That guy stabbed me with a fork".
The manager was by now distracted between 2 Fitty rambling, and Lube having a win was bouncing through the pokie room and dinning room with a couple hundred $1 coins in his shirt flicking them one by one at random people saying "Tip for you,Tip for you".
While parents were disgusted as he flicked coins on their food the kids were having a ball running around like chooks to collect the money as it was tossed on the ground here and there.
I was sitting back watching trying to chat up the redhead at the bar but I could see the madness all around.
By this time the manager went to oustide area after telling Creamy to cash in or leave so he did, after someone had reported the lewd behavior between Fiddler and Wobblygong dry humping each other at pool table they were asked not to do this again, which resulted in them doing it as soon as his back turned.
The manager then walking into front bar yelling down the side to dinning/pokie rooms announced loudly that if the rowdy mob didn't calm down he would call the police..
At that point the guy who had his fish taken was approaching to report Bigfish and I sensed that it was all about to go down sideways from here.
Bigfish walked passed and gave me a look so he and I exited to the undercover area and as we passed the manager said "If your with them you can fuck off too".
We went just out front where we could see and hear through clear plastic wind breaks as Weedy ducked out side exit of outdoor area for a toke, and Dropkick headed for the toilet.
Token was dry humping Fiddler again at pool table Fiddler looked at 2 Fitty and said "this it isnt it?" To which butcher replied 'Yep'.
So just then Wobblygong the Fidler puked all over pool table much to onlookers disgust and the rest of us just lost it.The manager disappeared presumably to call cops.
"In for a penny in for 2 fitty!, yelled Butcher as he pocketed the 8 ball and downed his drink he said one of the funniest lines of the week as he shouted "Righto, Wobblygong stop Fiddlering Tokens Bummer, You go get Creamy Lube for the Bigfish then find Weedy so we can all go back to the park and get as smashed as a stonefish and in a rock pool full of whisky"...
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He then raced back in to the front bar, stole the darts and was refused service, Then standing at bar arm resting Chopper style so barkeep couldn't see but everyone else could he flopped out his ol fella and began to pee on the bar.
Drop kick emerged from toilet with 3 rolls of TP and bars of soap in his pocket I found out later he had drawn penises and boobs with soap on all the mirrors then came out front and began to TP pub while Butcher was pissing on the bar.
Fiddler, still crook, raced into toilet with a dioreah attack and when ever someone walked in would make noises and say thing like "Oh yeah right up my arse and go on cum in me"etc and generally vulgar stuff to spook other customers, while weedy bigfish and I began to stroll away down the road thinking this has gone too far.
Dropkick was drawing crude faces with penis on head and the word -manager- in soap with arrow at face on the plastic wind breaks.
As all other patrons began to move to main dining room complaints were getting louder as we walked away and 2 Fitty began using the manager soap pic as a dart board.
The rest I know was stories after the fact but just down the road about 15 houses or so was one with steps and big front porch so we( Weedy Bigfish & I ) sat in dark.
About another 10 houses down the local cop reversed out and flew up to the pub sirens blazing, some how Bummer and Drop kick got away and as they stumbled down the road opposite side we yelled to them to come hide in the dark as the were about to pass by.
Copper got 2 fitty and Lube out front but missed Wobblygong in toilet and as the cruiser rolled past we were surprised after all that it was heading to park straight passed cop shop.
Another few moments and we burst out laughing and joking as Fiddler stumbled down the road and out of the dark until our little hideaway lit up like AMMI stadium, A lady opened the door and told us to "Piss off you feral little bastards".
So we pressed on.
As we approached the cabins the copper was giving a stern talking to our mates out front and Weedy quickly stashed his pipe, Then as we approached he turned on us too "And that goes for you lot too,Your all banned from the hotel and if I get one more call about one of you lot I will haul you all in".
Naturally trying not to giggle we all did the yes sir no sir 3 bags full sir bit and he left.
Counting ourselves lucky Butcher wouldn't let it go and about an hour later snuck over to cop shop with hand cream and smeared it on door handle and rear view mirror then left the container labeled 'Anal lube', on top of the cruiser.
The next day at tea time guess who shows up as I return from the shower block the copper walks right up to 2 Fitty sitting on deck with back to officer and starts pumping the hand cream all over his beanie while he sat there and took it.
He put container on hand rail and said "I know it was you lot mate, just remember I saw you thismorning coming back from the jetty around lunch and I watched you return with the boat not half hour ago, if you want a DUI keep it up dick head, your fuckin mug suits you."
And with that he left so we played it cool.
The mug read -'Worlds biggest arsehole,and on other side said is full of the most shit"-.
For the record regarding the salmon competition we did have a win, One of Tokens entries won the $500 Mystery weight prize, which made us laugh as we had spent over $25,000 in that town that week.
We gave $250 to the park owner so he could refund other patrons, and the other $250 to the publican the night before we left.
2 Fitty did get last laugh.He drank and re filled a six pack of (corona's I think) with pee, just the right colour and the morning before we left he put 6 pack on doorstep of the cop shop and left the mug on the roof of cruiser where he had left the hand cream before.
He wrote on window with soap,You deserve it :) and we were all gone by 0500.
©J.W.Newell 2024.
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